Leave The Future For The Mystics

Tell All My Friends I'm Dead

2009-11-08T17:16:00.002-05:00

Hey... so I never told that birthday story, and I probably won't.
Sorry.

Okay, let me rephrase that. I won't tell unless asked.

In other news, I'm moving on from blogger.
I'm making that inevitable move to tumblr after putting it off for a long time.
Something about the style just seems more appealing to me.

So find me there at kendramarcusse.tumblr.com!

2009-09-29T11:12:00.001-04:00

Last show: The Academy I... @ The Intersection
Next show: Sherwood @ Mac's Bar

Reblogged from Nicholas Scimeca

2009-09-07T12:06:00.000-04:00

So much has happened over the past month or so...
Expect a blog about it soon.

Life has been busy and crazy, and change is on the horizon.

something like this

2009-06-14T20:11:00.003-04:00

Hello internet.
After much neglect due to my rapid loss of interest in you, I'm back.
For the time being.

Hopefully I'll update more regularly.
Show a sign of life every once in a while...

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Now playing: New Found Glory - Kiss Me
via FoxyTunes

it's no fun on the sidelines

2009-05-13T03:19:00.003-04:00

I tend to forget that I have this thing when I keep myself busy.

Reading and writing have consumed my life lately.
I'm revisiting classic literature with some Wilde, Fitzgerald, and Carrol... as well as the new sensation Pride and Prejudice and Zombies that's pretty much just Jane Austen's P&P with some re-writing to include a zombie plague and some ass-kicking. Let me just state that I've never been more interested in Jane Austen.

Writing wise... it's just been a lot of character studies type of things. Making a character and putting them in situations, nothing horribly cohesive.

At least it's enough to make me feel somewhat creative again.

Work is crazy. As usual. New co-workers, old co-workers getting fired, etc, etc.

The past few days have been pretty amazing. Between seeing Forgive Durden twice (words can't express how much I love them) and my only gripe was not being satisfied with the female singer on the tour (I'm pickier with my female voices, and she wasn't awful, she just didn't fit the sound).

Shows are coming to Michigan. Lots of them. And quite a few make me very happy!

Life is good.

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Now playing: Pink Spiders - Saturday Nite Riot
via FoxyTunes

quick like lightning

2009-03-30T20:24:00.003-04:00

Some days I simply lose all faith in humanity.

A ten year old girl gets hit by a car at the corner my store is on,
and when people ask me about it the first thing out of their mouths was
"was it her fault?"
Not "is she okay?" or "is she hurt?" ...
they want to know where to put the blame.
As if the accident is less serious if it was the kids fault.

For the record - I was inside. Working.
I didn't see it happen.
The first I knew about it was when one of our regulars ran in and told us to call 9-1-1
and frantically explained what had happened.
Then the day just exploded.

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Now playing: Butch Walker - Take Tomorrow (One Day At A Time)
via FoxyTunes

strangely enough... size does matter

2009-03-30T01:28:00.002-04:00

Living life in the middle lane.
It's not all about the fast lane.
And it's definitely not the car-pool lane.

No sleep plus lots of plans makes Kendra an exhausted girl.

My brain is on overdrive.
Thinking of everything and anything all at once.
Plans, plots, random facts of information, brain teasers.

A part of me blames that game for the DS.
Professor Layton and the Curious Village?
I spent a couple hours on that game today and it was like a jump-start for my brain.
Maybe I'll start to use that as a mental workout on workout days.

Speaking of - I'm starting the one hundred push up program tomorrow.
In six weeks I should be able to do one hundred in a row.
But I'm not holding my breath thanks to the shoulder injury.
Either way it should be a nice way to get back in shape.

Speaking of shapes.
I really really hate the way that certain brands are starting to re-work sizes.
Since when am I a size 4?
Since the company that makes the jeans I recently bought decided to help make women feel a little better about themselves despite being overweight, apparently.
Hell, I'd rather have my standard sizes so that I could be sure that I dropped the size I thought I dropped.
The larger numbers are more of a motivator than a reason to wallow in self pity.
"Hey, I'm a size __.... maybe I should do something so I can be a size __"
It all made sense. But going from a double digit to a low single digit doesn't make sense.
At all.
Bring back my standard sizes now please.

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Now playing: Empires - Anywhere
via FoxyTunes

dead end

2009-03-23T21:35:00.002-04:00

It's hard not to get emotional at least once a month.
I suppose it's another way that a woman is like a werewolf.
Or at least this one is.

Either way, things are driving me absolutely insane lately.
My family is driving me nuts, not only by lashing out at me but by arguing with each other.
Work isn't going so hot.
I find myself going absolutely crazy.

Then I do the alcoholic thing.
The thing I used to tell myself I wouldn't do.
I drink to make it better. To try and make myself forget even if it's only for a little while.
My weapon of choice lately has been the margarita. Three last night (the first being a whopping 21 oz drink), and one tonight when things started going south.

It's almost a fact that I'll be happy again in another day or two.
This mood swing will be nothing but a lingering mirror image of a memory that will fade in a couple of days...

But as for right now, I'm homesick for places that aren't even home.

Coming Back

2009-03-09T18:50:00.004-04:00

Sadly I did not win the Power Ball while in Sanibel.
So I've traded in the palm trees and pelicans for the cold and rainy weather that Michigan's been having.

No more Mad Hatter (one of these days I will eat there, even if it's for the name and atmosphere alone) or Bubble Room.
No more kayaking in the gulf.
No more sunsets that paint the sky in bold and striking colors.

The past work week has been absolutely exhausting, but tomorrow I have my first day off since I've been home.
It's a small thing to look forward to, but it's something.

Good parts about being home:

The look on my friends faces when I showed my face at Mac's for the first time since November. I might have seen some of them since, but in trying to save money for vacation I missed a lot of prime hang-out time with quite a few of them over the past few months.

A certain guy who wasn't in Florida. I might not have a snowball's chance in hell with him, but that doesn't mean that I'm not happy to be around him again... even if it is only temporary. (The lucky guy is moving to Chicago soon)

Butch Walker.
Okay, so he's not from here or anything... but if I was still in Florida I would have missed the show he played at the Mixtape in Grand Rapids. If you have one artist that you look up to (or have looked up to for some time), one artist that you would get absolutely giddy about meeting... then you know how I feel. I keep explaining it to my friends as "he's my Ben Kweller" or "he's my Ryan Adams". I admire this man so much for everything he's done in the music industry (from his own music, to the albums he's produced and the songs he's co-wrote or even just wrote for other bands)... so when I got the chance to meet him I had my rare fangirl-ish moment.

Speaking of Butch Walker, let me end this on something that one of his songs made me think about on the flight into Bishop.

I might have come back to Michigan, but I didn't feel like I'd come home until Irv's birthday.
It's the people, not the place, that leave me in love with where I am.
They're the only reason I haven't found some way or another to leave it all behind.

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Now playing: Butch Walker - The 3 Kids In Brooklyn
via FoxyTunes

impending heartbreak

2009-02-28T23:06:00.003-05:00

I can't believe that it's almost over.
The thought of leaving this place makes me feel kind of ill.

It's gorgeous here, and the island lifestyle suits me so well.
Leaving the heat, the sun, and the ocean is probably going to break my heart.

Forget Chicago.
Forget Seattle.
Forget Portland.
Sanibel is where it's at.

Maybe I won the Power Ball... then I could just live here.
I should probably check the ticket.

2009-02-17T00:21:00.002-05:00

Between work and life things have been so horribly busy...
and all I can think about is the number of days left until I can trade this snow and ice in for some sand and sun.

Vacation is coming up a lot quicker than I imagined it would, and I'm looking forward to the escape.

three small words

2009-02-03T23:22:00.002-05:00

It's strange how one sentence can make me think so much.
Even stranger when that sentence is only three words.
"I miss you."

Coming from old friends that can mean so much or so little.
Really, if you haven't talked to me much since '03... you don't miss me at all.
There's a difference between missing the me you knew and the me I am now.

Six years is a long time, and if anybody I once knew is the same person after that amount of time...
then I worry for them and their lack of personal growth.
I know I'm not the same person I was then.
My goals have changed.
My inspiration, motivation, passion, lifestyle... none of it's the same as it was back then.

I don't miss who I was.
So maybe that's why I can say that I don't miss a lot of the people that knew that me.
I might miss the good times that I shared with them,
but I hold to the fact that they probably aren't the people I remember either.
Running into them would be like running into strangers and somehow knowing their name.
It'd be a new start.
A fresh beginning.

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Now playing: Cash Cash - Concerta
via FoxyTunes

something old, something new

2009-01-01T01:58:00.003-05:00

Strippers, lap dances, go-go dancers, drag queens, dancing,
my best friend (from fourth through eighth grade), his mom, my current best friend,
drag performance, champagne toasts, two-dollar shots, light-up champagne flutes,
lots of love, hope, and dollar tipping.
Going to bed smelling like champagne and toothpaste

2009 was brought in with style, even if some of the class was lacking.

In other news - the countdown to Obama's inauguration continues.
Nineteen more days and the new face of hope for the American people is officially in office.

These are exciting times

faster than the speed of sanity

2008-12-24T18:32:00.003-05:00

Everything's moving at record pace
a thousand miles a minute

I've barely had time to breathe let alone write or think.

From the "monday morning drama club"
which has nothing to do with theater, if you're wondering
to working days where we make more money in two hours
than we normally do in a whole day
to planning a vacation to the sunny south
to the holidays
to family
to baking red velvet cupcakes for friends.

Downtime is overrated.

get in or get out

2008-11-18T23:56:00.002-05:00

Why can't people comprehend that some people thrive in organized chaos?

Tonight was amazing. No joke.
The parts that existed outside of Mac's and IHOP weren't so great... but the rest of it blew my mind.
I love my friends.

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Now playing: Counting Crows - Hanginaround
via FoxyTunes

close your eyes and jump

2008-11-13T02:31:00.002-05:00

Sometimes dinner with friends isn't always good.
Sometimes it makes me realize what a failure I'm becoming.
I talk about dreams and plans when other people do what I'm planning without even thinking about it.
I wish I was stable enough (financially, emotionally, take your pick) to have that kind of spontaneity.

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Now playing: The Audition - Smoke and Mirrors
via FoxyTunes

Sew Fun

2008-11-10T02:04:00.004-05:00

It's snowing.
It's actually been snowing all day, but it started to stick a while ago.
I can't believe that my favorite season is coming to such an abrupt end, when it was so warm and wonderful just a few days ago.

This weekend was a sleepless one.
I worked Saturday morning, then spent twelve hours making my TAI TV purse.
Twelve hours, straight.
I had people joking that I was a kid working at a sweatshop.
But I did manage to get it done... and as imperfect as it is, I love it.

The point is, I went to bed at 5:30 in the morning, who knows when I actually fell asleep...
And I woke up at eight to get ready for work, did that for seven hours, and then immediately left for Pontiac.

The show was pretty sweet and we ran into some friends, which is always fun.
Danny Stevens came out towards the end of "Check Yes Juliet" while We The Kings was playing, which was rather random.
And oh... words cannot express my love for The Academy Is... and they're stage presence, music, and (based on the ones I've met) personalities. It was over far too soon.

Out in the parking lot I ran into Jack (camera man for TAI TV) and showed him the purse... which he got pretty stoked about. I mean, he even used the camera on his phone for the first time to take pictures of it. I had him sign it, and let him go. Then we ended up running into Tony (TAI tour manager) and had him sign it, too. After all, he's also a big participant in the webisodes. Then, since everyone else was eating, William hit the parking lot... which wasn't a huge deal since it wasn't our first time meeting him. But I got him to sign the bag and an actual individual picture this year, which is awesome.

And now, after very little sleep, I do believe I can pass out for about a day.

Revolution Time

2008-11-04T13:22:00.005-05:00

Every day is history in the making.
Today is no exception.
The difference is that today is a day that we all believe that we're making history.

It's time for change on so many levels.

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Now playing: Fall Out Boy - Catch Me if You Can/Proclamation of Emaciation (featuring Travis from Gym Class Heroes) (demo mashup)

voluntary madness

2008-10-25T00:58:00.002-04:00

It was a four margarita Friday.
Not because I needed to drink my problems away or anything lame like that...
In fact, problems were the furtHest things from my mind.
LAst night was just so much fun and so exciting that the drinks just sounded like a good idea.
No worries to those who think I'm an alcoholic - the first three were only four ounces each.
They were baby margaritas... delicious, and cheaP, and well worth the looks on the waiter and waitress' faces.

The celebrations have begun - and not even Michigan weather can stoP us now.
Tonight the partY featured loBsters, cats, cards, pIrates, cows, aRmadillos, parTy favors, Hundreds of olD lAdies, creepYstalker guys, and so much more.

Just wait until later. Things arE going to get eveN crazier.

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Now playing: A Rocket To The Moon - Just Another One
via FoxyTunes

Who needs sleep?

2008-10-21T02:40:00.003-04:00

For the past few weeks I've had so much that I've wanted to update this with...
but now that I'm able, I'm lacking the words.

It's not that nothing exciting has happened, but now that I look back on everything it seems like condensing the past few weeks into a few paragraphs is impossible.
No matter what I say I'm going to miss something somewhere.

I've been living at shows, or at least it seems that way.
From seeing visiting friends to bands that I thought had fallen off of the face of the earth, I've been living and breathing music.
... and loving every minute.

I think I'm finally giving up on the boy.
Or at least I'm going to try.
I think he's happy with somebody else now.
I missed my opportunity.
I'm over it, or at least on my way to that point.

My favorite holiday is coming up so fast!
Though I have to admit that I'm disappointed that nobody seems interested in hitting up the haunted houses with me this year.

My internal clock is screwed thanks to reliving childhood with my best friend this weekend.
It had finally fixed its self into something decent and it only took one day of staying up late and waking up later to mess it up again.

And on that note, I think it's time to force myself to sleep so that I'm not the walking dead at work tomorrow.

break out, break out

2008-09-25T23:52:00.003-04:00

I always thought that your family was supposed to support your dreams.
So imagine my surprise when I filled my father in on what I'm going to attempt to do in the next two years...
and all he could talk about was how expensive living in Chicago is.
Never mind that I'd be going back to college.
Never mind that the college I'd be attending has one of the best magazine journalism programs in the country.
Never mind that about a year ago he told me to live my life how I wanted to live it so that I didn't look back with any regrets - when I was talking about touring and a trip to Germany.
Never mind that when he was my age he moved to California with absolutely nothing and ended up being fine out there for quite a few years while my mom raised me alone.

It kills me that he's holding me to this double standard.
It was okay for him to move away and pursue his dreams, but it's not okay for me.

Hell, I have to make sure I can actually make it in to this college before I can even consider it....
I have to go to LCC for the first time in a year and a half and talk to a counselor to see if any of my credits transfer.
I have to get through the application process.
I need to kill myself to get loans and grants since I'll be on my own and finally be eligible for some help.
And to be honest, I'm terrified.
It certainly doesn't help that he keeps planting these negative seeds in my head that only make me worry more.

I am going sleepless

2008-09-21T03:14:00.003-04:00

If there's one thing that I have a surprisingly strong unconditional love for, it's having things to look forward to.
Plans are being made.
That vacation I mentioned? It's not as long as I'd hoped, and I'm only going to be out of state for a day...
But it's still a vacation.
I'm itching for October.

As the weather cools down I'm ready to watch the leaves change color.
My favorite season is almost hear and it's starting to make me giddy.
There's something about the rich and warm colors of autumn that make it hard not to be content.
I kind of want to find an excuse to go up to Cadillac sometime before they close the overlook for the winter.
I say that every year, and I never make it up there to photograph the vast expanse of trees and hills when they're at their most appealing... it's kind of disappointing.

It's hard to believe that the year is almost over.
So much happened, but it hardly feels like it should be June, let alone late September.

On a random ending note - I got to meet Windell, the Miller High Life commercial guy, the other day.
It's not a big deal, really... but I was seriously amused that a commercial actor showed up with an entourage.
We had more Miller people than customers in the store at that point.

sometimes I wish people would take "vote or die" seriously

2008-09-17T00:22:00.002-04:00

I think that I surprise people when I open my mouth sometimes.
I'm not really quiet or shy by any means, so that's not where I'm going with this.
The point is that there are so many subjects that people think I have nothing to say about,
and when I start ranting about those things... people get surprised.

I'm both highly opinionated and stubborn, it just takes a bit to get me going.
I got into a political debate with a customer the other day, and my co-worker stared at me with his mouth hanging open.
It's like I can't have an opinion on things because I'm young, or because I'm a woman (said co-worker is pretty sexist)...
but then I make my point and they don't know how to react.

Yes I'm passionate about the election.
I heard somebody my age say that they weren't planning on voting at all and I was completely disgusted.
If all the people in my age bracket who believe that their opinions didn't matter actually voted, we could make a difference.
It isn't like filling out a ballot is a difficult or time consuming task.
All you need to do is familiarize yourself with the issues and the candidates and make an informed decision.

I don't care who people vote for as long as they actually do it and let their voice be heard.

sand in my shoes

2008-08-30T01:53:00.002-04:00

Dramadramadramadrama.
I'm sick of it.
I'm tired of rumors,
tired of being put in the middle of everyone else's problems.
... tired of people's frustrations being taken out on me.

Some days I just want to pack up and leave it all behind.
A new place, a new start, a new life.
It's so appealing...
But then the practical matters start to come into play.
Money?
The friends and life I have here?
Work?

Once again "opportunity" has knocked,
and once again I slammed the door in his face.
Once I have a car a desk job might be for me,
but as of right now I have more important things in my life.
You know, like living.

I think I need a vacation of the escape variety.

as much as I'd like to, I'll never let this go

2008-08-26T03:06:00.004-04:00

It's another sleepless and lonely three am.
I saw him yesterday, two days ago...
It all depends on how you measure time.

Hot Joe described the feeling I get when around the boy pretty accurately.
It was at that moment that I realized that the way I fall for people
is like playing hot potato with a hand grenade
crossing my fingers and hoping that it detonates in his hands.
One minute I like him,
the next I've convinced myself that I'm done with it.
Then I see him and it starts all over again.

Would you rather...
speak what's on your mind and live with the consequences
or
never say anything and worry about the could-have-been?

I generally do the first...
but in situations that put my heart on the line, I tend to do the latter.
Does that make me a hypocrite or intelligent?

I realized that I'm a bit crazier than I thought.
My "big secret" happened years ago...
before I had boobs - which is apparently important since they seem to be a regular topic of conversation these days.
... yet it still has the most profound effect on me.
I could have lost my job the other day simply because a customer put his hand on my shoulder.
I freaked out.
Tensed up.
Apparently I have personal space issues,
and apparently they don't get violated often
because this was the first time I'd gotten so worked up over it.

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Now playing: Brighten - Ready When You Are
via FoxyTunes

those were the dead times, I'm alive now

2008-08-20T17:43:00.006-04:00

Sometimes it's good to know that old friends aren't dead.
That despite old habits, they somehow managed to survive.
Even when you weren't particularly close to said friends in the first place.

In some strange way it gives you something in common.
"Hey! You're not dead!
I'm not dead either!"
It's like no matter how much you changed or grew apart,
there's that one common thread in living.

Selective memories are funny things.
I can hardly remember a whole day of high school,
despite the fact that I only graduated five years ago.
It was me at my least fulfilled, me at my lowest.
I was miserable... not always, but in general.
I didn't have those "fun" high school experiences.
So I forgot it.
I went.
I can remember a few classes, teachers, activities.
I can remember people... kind of.
So many more people remember me, and I stare at them with that
"you do look familiar" face, but can never place them.
Sometimes names don't even help things fall into place.

That era in my life has been dead and buried for so long
that excavations leave me utterly bewildered.
I think the part that might be the worst thing about it is...
that it doesn't leave me nostalgic in the least bit .
It's a fleeting memory, that fades as soon as it's gone.
And I'm happy about that.

There has to be a reason that people don't remember things.
Just like there has to be a reason that - sometimes -
people cling to memories far too long and let them shape who they are now.

neverland will never have twenty-three candles

2008-08-16T11:29:00.002-04:00

I feel like I'm ancient, a dinosaur.
Time keeps ticking by and all my friends get younger.

Maybe that's because of what I do, who I know...
or maybe it's just a part of my Peter Pan complex in action.
Surround yourself with youth and you'll never age.
When you're around younger people you can get away with acting younger yourself.

Birthdays are always fun... but when you realize that about 3/4ths of the people wishing you one have a few years to go before they reach the same milestone... they're just a reminder of how you're one year closer to wrinkles, age lines, and failing health.

But in the immortal words of somebody somewhere "I ain't dead yet"
There are still parties to be had, friends to see, and opportunities to not act my age.

On another note.
They say you can deal with a snake when you know it's a snake...
not that I really know who "they" are or why we trust in their seemingly infinite wisdom...
but lets just say that a certain friend of mine is starting to slither.
It's sad when you can't depend on people anymore, can't trust them.
When they take something that was supposed to be yours and give it to somebody else without so much as notifying you.

Happy birthday, my word means nothing
Happy birthday, you can't count on me

I'm a time-bomb, baby

2008-08-04T00:22:00.003-04:00

I hate that I have to resort to watching a movie genre I don't even particularly like to let my emotions take control.
I spend so much time being there and being happy for everyone else that I have all of my angry and sad moments stored up inside and they very rarely reach anybody else's ears.
A part of it is - most likely - pride. I don't want others to see me cry, see me weak. So I put it in the back of my mind and let whatever task is of the moment take over. A friend calls to do something and I perk up so that they don't suspect anything's wrong.
When Lester died, the only reason my best friend really got to see me react was because I got the call when I was with her... and even then it took a few minutes for the tears to start.

I spend so much time being positive for everyone else when they need me, that I don't like to be seen when I'm not positive. I'd rather let people see me in that light than in a negative one, which tends to backfire.
Why?
Because when I do need somebody to talk to, rant at, cry on... they aren't available. Emotionally, physically, something. Or they have their own problem and I automatically shove mine aside to help them.
It's exhausting.
I'm a time bomb, baby
I'm going to explode
Where and when
Nobody knows

On another note, I can't comprehend why I can be so insightful and good at helping other people with their problems... but I can't do the same thing for myself.
My advice is amazing, I just can't take it.
Maybe I'm too involved in the situation for me to step back and see things objectively.
Maybe that's the problem.

I've run into a problem concerning the guy who makes my heart pound so loud I'm sure he can hear it.
I need male advice... but most of the men I'm close enough to turn to are friends of his as well.
It's an elaborate web of connections that's driving me insane.

Sorry about the bout of negativity.
I have to get it out somewhere, because doing it verbally isn't working out too well for me.

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Now playing: Jonny Lang - Get What You Give
via FoxyTunes

courage is grace under pressure

2008-07-22T00:50:00.002-04:00

I absolutely love the feel of losing myself in a crowd, and things like Warped Tour give me that plus music.
It's almost a dream come true.
Then there's the fact that even when you think you're alone, you're never really alone. I can't count how many times I wandered off only to run into somebody I knew. It's comforting in a way.

In other news, there's this boy that makes my heart pound faster and my mouth say things without letting my brain think them through first.
I think he knows... and yet he's not running to that safe friend-zone.
I don't know whether to rejoice or panic.
I remember telling him that I apparently talk about him a lot, and he just grinned. Sure, it's a boost to the ego, but it's also a pretty hefty clue.
I'll see him in two days... and I'm already nervous.

Empty houses just feel wrong.
Even with my pets, it feels like something is missing.
The white noises that come with people talking in the other room... or watching tv downstairs... or snoring.
I dig the independence, but at the same time I realize that when I leave the nest I'm going to need a roommate.

People say that it's a small world, but sometimes I wish it was smaller.
A friend from Chicago visited today, and despite the fact that our cities aren't too far apart we still only see each other about once a year.
A teleportation device would come in handy.
Let's get to work on that, shall we?

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Now playing: Paramore - Born For This
via FoxyTunes

Let's get textual

2008-07-05T01:46:00.004-04:00

Terms of endearment are only more confusing when he uses them.
Especially when they're followed by promises of fun when he's in state.

They make me wonder if maybe there's some small spark of hope that the one person I've had a consistent crush on for the past three years might feel something, too.
It's not that the crush is overwhelming or obsessive - it just gets stronger when he's actually around.
And luckily - or unluckily, depending on how you look at it - he's not around too often.
A few times a year and that's it.
But those times are amazing, and every time I feel more and more attached to him.

His texts confuse me, but keep me on the edge of my seat.
He likes me, he likes me not.
Every message is a flower petal that brings either hope or despair.

I know I should move on.
Move on to somebody who's closer.
Move on to somebody who actually calls my state home.

Unfortunately, the only person here who appeals to me is barely an adult... and that makes me nervous.
Plus... he's not the kind of guy to fall for a girl like me.

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Now playing: The Morning Light - Clouds [Demo]
via FoxyTunes

Now is the time that a crystal ball might actually come in handy

2008-06-30T17:48:00.002-04:00

It's amazing how you can go from a feeling of nearly complete euphoria into a fit of tears in a matter of minutes when given the right trigger.

Apparently my trigger is the future.
Forty hour work weeks.
Benefits.
That's my trigger.

Forget that I was up until about seven am with a really good friend and having an amazing time last night.
My mother brings me an application to a so-called "real job" and starts bringing up the perks... and it's a downward spiral.

It's a good opportunity.
I need the benefits.
I could use the money.
It's all stuff I've heard before.

That's not the point, though.
The point is that it means putting my dreams on hold even longer.
Goodbye things like traveling for shows.
Goodbye prospects of tour.
Goodbye dreams of going back to school... because even if I finally had the money, I wouldn't have the time.
Goodbye dreams of pursuing photography... especially working with bands.
Goodbye dreams of AP.

It would be the start of a future that includes none of the things that I love.
It would be the promise of security, but also the promise of less fun... less being able to enjoy my life.

I don't want to look back on my life with any regrets.
And I don't know what I'd regret more... taking the job, or passing it up for my dreams.

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Now playing: The Faint - Erection
via FoxyTunes

things somebody should never be woken up with after a night of clubbing

2008-06-22T14:00:00.004-04:00

Drama at work is never a good thing.
Especially now that I have the feeling that I'm being set up.

A fifth of Jack Daniels was found hidden in the back room like somebody was going to steal it.
It's a well known fact that Jack is my drink of choice.

I took a Jack Daniels hat from the back room yesterday, because it was given to me by my boss. But I would never, ever do something as stupid as steal from where I work.
Not only do I have an honesty-is-the-best-policy kind of attitude, I'm not going to risk my job for a bottle of liquor.
Especially since I already have some of said liquor at home.

There's talk of cops, polygraph tests, and pressed charges if somebody doesn't come clean by tomorrow morning.
Police make me nervous enough as it is, since I haven't really had to deal with any of them since I got robbed.
It brings back memories I'd rather suppress.

Now it's time for a mini road-trip with a friend, to see some friends.
Clear my head, calm down.
I know it wasn't me, and so do at least two other co-workers of mine.

I might not be outstanding citizen number one... but I'm no thief.

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Now playing: Forever The Sickest Kids - She's A Lady
via FoxyTunes

blues music love

2008-06-20T14:31:00.000-04:00

I want that feeling.
That feeling of not knowing what's going to happen next.
The feeling like my heart is going to burst violently from my chest every time I see him.
Crushes don't always cut it, despite how fun they tend to be.

I've had thousands of crushes...
... but only two loves.

I want something to come along that's bigger and better than the last, the past, and that could consume the present.
Yes, I'm neglecting the future.
The future is all in perspective... for all we know there might not be one.

Why plan five years from now if you could die tomorrow?
I just want somebody to spend my here and now with.

obey consume conform

2008-06-19T21:12:00.000-04:00

I am about as intimidating as a tadpole.
People don't take me seriously when I'm actually trying to be... well... serious.

Since when does "we're over capacity" mean "sure, we can try and let you two crazy kids in if we kick out other people who have already paid"? Last I knew, that wasn't how things worked.

Most guys think they can sweet-talk girls into anything.
Hey baby, let's go to bed.
Hey baby, let me into this show.
Hey baby, it's all the same.

Sometimes I wish that my always busy life was a bit busier in the "friends" department. As in the "hey, let's go see a movie" kind of friends. Instead of the ones I only see if some band is in town.

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Now playing: The Scene: Exploded! - That's Hot
via FoxyTunes

I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat

2008-06-18T23:55:00.000-04:00

I've been avoiding blogging like the plague.
There's something about spilling your soul to strangers that seems so threatening.
To be honest, I'm not entirely sure why I'm taking up the hobby now... or how long I'll keep with it.

I'm notorious for starting projects and abandoning them as soon as something better comes along, only to get nostalgic for them long after the fact.

My friends and I are convinced that if we had a television show it would constantly have commercials saying "this week on -insert title here- is an appearance by -insert band here-".
Maybe that means that there is such a thing as too many shows, or making too many friends "in the biz". But I don't want to believe it.

I've got all these famous friends, and it makes me feel like I should have done so much more with my life.
It's an insecurity that I won't generally share with most of my friends in real life because I don't want to ruin their perception of me as this overly confident person.
I don't want them to know that I feel that there's something out there that will somehow make me feel more complete, yet I'm too afraid to leave my security net and go find it.

I suppose that's as brief of an introduction to my head as I can give you.

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Now playing: Sherwood - Never Ready To Leave
via FoxyTunes